and and and

I've been telling people for weeks that May 1 was the "reveal" date for this blog (the one that I'm not actually going to keep secret), not so much because I think they're going to give a shit, but just so that I'll do it. I can already tell I'm nervous and wanting to backpedal:

Excuse #1
PERSON: I thought you were sharing your blog on May 1.
TERRY: I've been really, really busy. I'll get to it soon.

Excuse #2
PERSON: I thought you were launching your blog on May 1.
TERRY: Yeah, I couldn't; I realized that before I make it public I have to delete all the posts that relate to bomb-making, and that'll take like four months. Or more.

Excuse #3
PERSON: I thought you were going live with your blog on May 1.
TERRY: I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

I don't know what it is that tries to protect itself from being discovered, what self-important part of me thinks that there is something too precious to share, because really, if there was any amount of preciousness that existed in my body or soul, that's the part I most want to offer.

In any case, things that feel riskiest have always been the things I am drawn to pursue, and for whatever reason, there is a kind of danger for me in this.